tired.

shit.. i'm so damn tired. my stupid cpap machine has been blowing the air all choppy (it even makes noises) and the tube is straight on it. i thought i told fredrick about it today and yesterday and he said he couldn't figure out what was wrong with it. i just lay in bed, wide awake for hours on end and i'm not able to fall asleep. i tried turning the tv on with the volume low, so the noise would put me to sleep. it wasn't working and i tried getting up to go to the bathroom at least 5 times and i still wasn't able to fall asleep. to top it off- i haven't had any concerta in at least a week and i asked the lady at the pharmacist desk when the concerta was supposed to be coming for me and she acted like she was looking on her computer and said to me in a confused voice, "there's nothing here by that name. maybe we don't carry it?" i've got my concerta from cub pharmacy ever since i can remember- everytime i moved, it'd just switch locations and the nurse never told me that the concerta wasn't going to be there. i don't remember if the nurse said anything about needing to get a new prescription for it from my doctor- but that's the only problem i can think of which would cause this. i need to see if i can find my nurse's number or just try to deal with walking around like the walking dead until my nurse comes to my apartment to fill my anodyne machine next- i think maybe wednesday? maybe sooner.. hopefully. it's so great getting apnea from your grandma and having no one else who is living care about whether you're healthy- which is why i'm basically being forced to remain in this state because amanda thinks that i won't have people who care about me when or if i move to another state to support me- WTF IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THERE AND NOW?! AT LEAST I'D BE LIVING IN A PLACE WITH RESOURCES AND NOT THE DAMN STICKS WHERE YOU GOTTA PULL TEETH IF AND WHEN YOU WANT SUPPORT. i know most people are like, "well that's part of growing up" well- part of growing up is also having resources and access to resources for your well-being when you already have a damn traumatic brain injury. i realized that most, if not ALL my blog posts are complaining about my family. maybe if i actually had supportive and caring sources of "support" i wouldn't be complaining all the time. YOU THINK? if i was in an environment where i didn't get stalked by jealous, negative, negligent people.. i'd actually be too happy to have anything to complain about..?! a person who enjoys making themselves appear victimized could never understand that, along with supposed "caring" relatives who just condone this because they don't know what else to do and assume everyone is content with this- so why change it?! I'M NOT CONTENT WITH ANY OF THIS SHIT AND I'LL NEVER BE. you're a complete moron if you can't tell how tired i am just from the tone of this blog post. i told the overnight ics worker that my cpap wasn't working the other night and he just said, "i'm with another person right now. can't you have the daytime ics look at it?" and i said, "that won't help me now. forget it." then i hung up. people refuse to even look at my cpap. fredrick looked at it and said he couldn't figure out what was wrong with it. at least he looked at it- EVERYONE ELSE COMES UP WITH EXCUSES.